*~A Flurry Of Feathers Beneath Twilight~* - A Story By ST

[sandtiger]

Okay, I do not know why I made this, please, if you see a mistake, point it out! I want to improve it for everyone! Okay, this is just a snippet, if you want me to go into more, fuller detail go ahead an post saying such, or PM me.

~Intro~

"STOP!" - Bellowed the Gale-Riders core leader. Everyone halted and with a thrust of their arms on the reins of their creatures, they haulted. The long whiplash like tails of the creatures whipped wildly about, causing scrabbling noises on the hard ice fields. They had an escapee, and this was her. They would need to be careful, for who knew what the good lord had given the creature as self defense? The buff man gathered his wits and ordered to his followers, -"Get the restraint chains! We will charge in and take that thing down! Do you hear me?!?!? And if I see remorse or the slightest bit of hesitation, its your funeral!" Everyone chanted with chilled, icy breath seeping out through their every words a yes sir and did as they were told. But once they saw the creature itself, they were absolutely horrified at what they saw...soul and all...


Told you it was just a tiny snippet, I got WAY more than that! If oyu want me too continue, just say so! Thanks for reading!

~*Sandtiger*~

[*~Trent~*]

mmmoooorrrreeee

[firebird!]

ooh, more, please!

[sandtiger]

Here is a very little bit more. ^^

~Intro/part 2/~

The creature, no this thing, was now blasting the hell out of the area, craters were spread far and wide within the immediate area. The man told his fellows, -"Back up men, this thing's a wild one!" But they had already started to panic in total fear. The Ice-runners, the human's creatures, shrieked in panic, fear evident through the huge, dark blue mass. The plan had gone to chaos in a mere, few seconds. Even if these grown men had not panicked, the creature would have simply disappeared, away from harm. For this was no horrible demon, or beast. It was a Glacial Ki-falcon. These large creatures, with two long legs, with large talons at the ends, large broad wings, and huge crane like necks and tearing beaks, present a terrifying creature. But truly, they are the the rarest species left on this planet, X-9752. Let us begin are story way back, when the humans first arrived...

[Fire Opal]

You asked for me to point out any mistakes, so I'll just get that over with first. These are just grammar and general writing tips, highlighted.

"STOP!" - < I don't think the hyphen should be there. Bellowed the Gale-Riders core leader. Everyone halted and with a thrust of their arms on the reins of their creatures, they haulted. < Spelt wrong, no biggy, but you shouldn't use two same words in one sentence. Doesn't flow right. Example of what you could say: they came to a stop. The long whiplash like tails of the creatures whipped < Same thing I said above. You used whip twice; you could say instead: ... of the creatures thrashed wildly about, causing scrabbling noises on the hard ice fields. They had an escapee, and this was her. They would need to be careful, for who knew what the good lord < Lord should be capitalized. had given the creature as self defense? The buff man gathered his wits and ordered to his followers, - < Hyphen. =) "Get the restraint chains! We will charge in and take that thing down! Do you hear me?!?!? < As you know, you only need two of those: !? And if I see remorse or the slightest bit of hesitation, its < Should be it's. your funeral!" Everyone chanted with chilled, icy breath seeping out through their every words a yes sir < Should be "Yes, sir!" and did as they were told. But once they saw the creature itself, they were absolutely horrified at what they saw...soul and all... < Something about "soul and all" just doesn't seem to fit. I don't know... Maybe its just me.

You're second paragraph seemed mainly fine, so I didn't do anything with that.

Now, do not think that my corrections mean your writing is bad. Trust me, there were few things for me to correct! The storyline is compelling, and your writing is good. Keep going!

[wolfgirl159357]

I love it Sandie, keep going, i dont post my writing, then again i am a guarded untrusting person, but still