a story i'm working on (PLEASE READ)

[kyleedj]

if u like this preview,please vote and tell me what u think,if i see its liked enough,i'll post some more: he could feel the hot breath on the back of his neck. he was one inch away from death. he tried to pick up the pace but he went at the same rate.he was tired from all the running. "come on, just...a little...further" he told himself.just then,he saw the teeth come down,to crush him.to get rid of him....for good...... so, what do you think?

[Bratterratt]

It sounds interesting, like it's a good story. I'd just suggest using a little better grammar and punctuation. For example, your piece could look like this...

"He could feel the hot breath on the back of his neck. He was one inch away from death. He tried to pick up the pace, but he went at the same rate. He was tired from all the running. "Come on. Just a little further." -He told himself. Just then he saw the teeth come down to crush him. To get rid of him...for good."

If it's presented like this, then it's alot easier to read, and definitely more enjoyable...

Bratt

[kyleedj]

awww! thanks brat! you r right,i could not find out how to get out of bold print though....

[kyleedj]

One night....two dinosaurs were resting. one on the grass in a vally,the other in a canyon. one a parasaurolophus,the other troodon. both were watching their eggs.as time went by,it was morning.the smell of morning dew awoke mother parasaurolophus. she knew that the eggs would be eaten if she did not protect them,so she woke the father to get her something to eat.the troodon mother however was not intrested in dew,she was a hunter. she had been banned from her group,so now,she hunts alone.luckly,she was as well of a good tracker as she is a hunter. she looked around for a fresh meal.then in a bush of ferns,she spotted a small,plump,juicy mouse. she rushes over her legs kicking the dust,gobbles up the mouse,and returns to her nest.meanwhile....mother paraceralophus awaits the arrival of her hatchlings.later...it had been a LONG day! momma closed her eyes and began to hum. she began to drift to sleep.in her dream...a overaptor talked to her,it said "tomorrow look inside the berry bush,there you will find a friend"parasauralophus awoke and ran to the berry bush and found a small egg.she carried it to the nest. a few hours later...the eggs began to hatch.first hatched was named Damion,second hatched was Traymon,and third was Clarissa. one more egg remains...will it make it? there were a couple moments of silence...but then out popped a little miasuara named ming.momma sqealed with joy!the babies were playful.then a tiny dragonfly landed on momma's snout. Damion,traymon,and clarissa were as delicate as the night sky to her.they were hatchlings,and they were hers. End Of Chapter 1.[/i]

[Fire Opal]

Now, I'm assuming you want critique, so that is what I'm posting below. I'm not going to be mean but I'll give you some useful pointers if you are serious about continuing to write. (P.S., I don't know how old you are, so I know this could be asking a lot)

First off: don't forget your spaces or capitals! Like Cowgirls said, it is much easier to read if you have nice grammar.
Second: It would be a better idea to divide the characters you are writing of into separate paragraphs. As in, have the mother parasaurolophus in one paragraph, and the troodon in the other. It is easier to follow without switching back and forth.
Third: I'd suggest "introducing" your characters. Tell me about the parasaurolophus; what does it look like? I have no idea, so you've got to tell me in your writing. Introducing the setting is also good, so I know where the place is that these dinosaurs are living. It all helps me to picture the story in my head.
Fourth: don't forget to write in the same tense all throughout. If you start in third person, end in third person.

So those are some basic tips that should help.

[wolfgirl159357]

I agree with Fire Opal those are tips that helped me with my writing, like when you describe a character, you could say...

A large parasaurolophus awoke gently, its amber eyes blnking away the suns rays. Standing on tan, muscular legs she rose. Her large sngled head tilted, to catch any sound of danger or prey. Amber eyes looked down and softened at the sight of her young, still in clean white eggs. They would hatch soon. Lifting her head, tan scaled nostils flaring, the scent of prey, mouse. Quickly pin-pointing its location, she hunched strong muscular legs, and....POUNCE, she landed on the unsuspecting feild mouse. Her prey dangled from her jaws as she walked back to her bramble colored nest. Gulping down the mouse, she licked prey juice from her muzzle, with a quick swipe of her long pink tongue. Life would go on, and her eggs would hatch hopefully.

[kyleedj]

um...opal,i'm 11,anyways here is chapter 2 She silently awaits the arrival of her eggs.Mother troodon's ONLY chance of starting a new herd lie inside her eggs. Her eyes glistened in the sun's rays. Like fireworks on Independence day. Her eyes were the color of Lavender,and her smooth skin the color of fresh cucumber. Mother Troodon decided she would rest for a minuete.Just then a small rodent resembling a mouse appeared.He slithered like a snake over to the eggs.He had only enough time to eat 2,before mom woke up!Tears of pain rolled down her cheeks. Now,its up to the tiny egg...will it make it?Suddenly,pain turned to missery,and missery turned into anger.... wacha think...is it better?

[Bratterratt]

I like it kyleedj! It's very creative and looks like it could make a great story! Again, it could use some editing. Here's what I would suggest...

"She silently awaits the arrival of her eggs. Mother Troodon's only chance of starting a new herd lies inside her eggs. Her eyes glistened in the sun's rays, like fireworks on Independence Day. Her eyes were the color of lavender and her smooth skin the color of a fresh cucumber. Mother Troodon decided she would rest for a minute."

"Just then a small rodent resembling a mouse appeared.He slithered like a snake over to the eggs.He had only enough time to eat two before Mom woke up! Tears of pain rolled down her cheeks. Now, it's up to the tiny egg. Will it make it? Suddenly, pain turned to misery and misery turned into anger..."

[wolfgirl159357]

much better adn very good for a 11 year old.

[Fire Opal]

Yes, that is better and again quite good for your age!

[kyleedj]

aww...i'm touched, i started coming up with ideas for this story in 2009,now i'm getting it written down!

[kyleedj]

That night,Ming wandered away from the nest. He wanted to explore this new world of his. He was the color of a orange,with vived green splotches everywhere. Being light colored ment he was easy prey to spot. The new surroundings became very scary to ming. Where he stood,there was no vegetation. All he saw was rough,craggy,rock. He heard Velociraptor calling to each other,he wondered what they were saying. The sounds grew closer, he was afraid to look back. Then,he stopped. He felt a dark shadow, arise over him. He turned around to stare into the eyes of the hunter. At that instint,instinct took ove him. He ran,ran for his life. Suddenly,he reached a dead end. Just when he thought he was done for,he saw a figure. Hope rised up inside him,it was a familiar figure.it was,his mom. Momma was angry .Momma slashed the raptor with her whip-like tail. He Fell. She waited untill she knew it was safe and then,she looked at ming. He knew he was in trouble. "Come along Ming" she said gently. Afterwards they returned to the nest for a good night sleep. end of chapter 3...any coments before i wright next chapter?

[kyleedj]

....hey bratt? could you tell iluvbuilding that i asked him to come look at my story for me? i mean i would tell him myself but, well...i'm trying to come up with some ideas for the next chapter. thanks!

[iluvbuilding429]

um, kylee..... just to let you know, i'm not a "him" haha