Sage-CT's second story!

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

Sage

Sage yipped happily as she saw a little girl walk into the store. Her soft, golden-brown coat shimmered in the sunlight that beamed through the store window as she climbed the other puppies one by one.

The little girl raced up to the large tank wich held the pups and shouted;"Momma can we get this one?"

The girl looked at her mother with an innocent face, slowly sticking her tiny hand into the tank. She patted the pup's head and giggled when she felt a cold tongue on her palm.

"Not today Robin." Her mother said,"We're only here to look, remember?"
"Okay," she replied as she wiped tears away from her face.

Robin slowly grabbed her mother's hand and quietly cried as they walked out of the shop. "Robin" the pup said quietly as she watched the two walk down the street.

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

In my opinion, this storty is better than the last one I made! I think it will be cuter, but the only way to find out is to ask(beg) for more!

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

Anyone? I need critiqueing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Wink

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

Anyways...

Robin

It's been at least two months since Sage and Robin first met. Robin had grown only slightly taller and her dark brown hair curled up to her ears. She always wore a red ribbon on her head and mostly wore skirts and dresses.

The small girl had had many adventures in the couple months and she learned many things; Like how to ride a bike, and how to sweep the floor as well as her mother. But every night before she went to bed, she would pray that she at least would get to see the puppy one more time.

Robin had drawn pictures of her and the puppy and taped them to the walls of her room. She'd tell all her friends about her puppy and how close they were.

Meanwhile, back at the petshop, Sage began to feel a bit lonely. Her girl named "Robin" hadn't come in awhile and most of her puppy friends had been sold already. It was just her and two other puppies that had already caught the eye of what seemed like a new couple. In a matter of minutes, the puppies were sold and carried out the store leaving poor little Sage by herself.

Sage happily yipped as the shop owner stopped by her tank and picked her up and put her in a cage. "Well girl," He said with a sigh,"Let's just hope someone comes and picks you up soon. I'm sure you'd make a great pet!"Sage knew he was trying to cheer her up. She licked his fingers through the cage but slowly deflated once more as he walked away.

She watched him put up a sign in the front window that read, "Puppies For Sale!".

Sage whimpered softly then curled up into a ball and slowly fell asleep...

Angelicious · Joined: 31 Mar 2007 Posts: 4801

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

anything works. I just want someone to tel me uf it's good or not.

Angelicious · Joined: 31 Mar 2007 Posts: 4801

Whether or not it's good would be determined mostly by the intended audience. Apart from that, I'd suggest doing some character developing, edit grammar/spelling, and cutting out some redundant bits.

"Robin's eyes began to tear up after her mother told her no." -> We know her mother told her no; there's no reason to bring it up again. It'd probably be more effective to just cut that sentence out altogether and leave the reader with "'Okay,' she replied as she wiped tears away from her face."

Also, a fact check, perhaps? Puppies are sold when they're 6-8 weeks old. If they're in there for at least two months with only a few other puppies, it's not likely they're going to adjust well to a family setting. Things like that. And you mentioned that looks were everything... But the way you described Sage in the first bit made it seem like he was the average, adorable puppy. Perhaps clear that up a bit?

I don't know. -shrug- It seems like a good story, all in all. Just needs some work. But then again, what story doesn't? xP

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

ok thanks! I'll work on it!

miki911 · Joined: 18 Jul 2008 Posts: 147

I like it. Please write more!

shaggydoggy · Joined: 30 Jun 2009 Posts: 15113

It's great Chloe go on!

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

lol thanx! I'm writing it in RL right now but once I get back into the swing of things on here I promise I'll write more. Smile

Bratterratt · Joined: 07 Jul 2008 Posts: 7533

Chloe! Where have ya been! We all miss you in the Role Plays!!!

Bratterratt

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

Thanx Bratterratt Very Happy

It's hard to get on cuz my mom dosn't like this site, plus I go to after-school acivities. Cool

wolfgirl159357 · Joined: 07 Aug 2009 Posts: 19967

ilike it CT and welcome back

Chloe Taylor · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 6693

thanx!!!!