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lorraine
Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 532
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 Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: Amazing Grace (story I am writing please critique) |
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Chapter 1
Sonya walked down the hall with a bad feeling in her gut. When she got to the school office her stomach did a flop.
" You wanted me?" Sonya asked the secretary.
" Your mother is here to see you." she answered.
I thought this was strange seeing as I had done nothing wrong. Suddenly I knew something was horribly wrong. My mom never came to see me at school. She always called if she needed something.
I walked into a back room and saw her waiting.
"What do you need?"I ask.
"Sit down,Sonya. We have to wait for your brother and sister to get here also."said my mom.
So i sat down and waited. They arrived just a second later, and mom began.
"Something has happened."she said in a very serious tone.(To serious I thought.)My brother, Noah,broke in.
"Did James(my other brother) wreck the car again?"
"No,my mom said,"This is something much more serious. Your brother....Your brother has been.....killed."
The world and people arounf me faded. My brother,my handsome ,black-haired,goofy brother....dead? I moaned. I cried. I prayed it wasn't true.
Inside I suddenly died.
hope you like it!!! more is coming soon... |
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Cecelia
Joined: 16 Dec 2006
Posts: 1487
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| Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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Please post more lorraine. I always enjoy hearing my best friends stories  |
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Angelicious
Joined: 31 Mar 2007
Posts: 4801
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| Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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If you're looking for a critique...
Watch your grammar. You've added spaces where they're unnecessary, left some out, and replaced comas with periods in some of the dialog. Things like that.
You switched between third and first person, moving from 'Sonya' to 'I' and 'my.' Careful with that. Also, it's not really a good idea to give explanations in dialog. Leave that until later.
| Quote: | | "Did James(my other brother) wreck the car again?" |
 | Quote: | | "Did James wreck the car again?" I asked, though I thought I already knew the answer. My older brother always totaled his car, but this was different. |
Or something like that, anyway. Give us a bit more insight into her character - really make us feel what she's feeling.
| Quote: | The world and people arounf me faded. My brother,my handsome ,black-haired,goofy brother....dead? I moaned. I cried. I prayed it wasn't true.
Inside I suddenly died. |
| Quote: | | I felt the rest of the world slipping away as I took in the news. My brother. Dead? No. Goofy, handsome, popular - there was no way it was true. Death didn't happen to people like him. I felt numb, a feeling which only increased when I felt the tears leaking down my cheeks. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. I prayed that it wasn't. There was no way it could be true. But the worst part? It was. |
When you say things like 'inside, I suddenly died,' or 'I knew something was horribly wrong,' you're spelling things out too clearly for the reader. Show, don't tell. It's okay to have that kind of thing there, as long as the reasoning behind it is also there. Show the reader how much the narrator cares about her brother. Then add those in, as clarification. Make it summarize the feelings that have already been laid out. Make it painful for the reader to read what's going through her head. (Yah, mine wasn't the best example of that, but hey, I did it in 10 seconds xP).
Anyway, I really like the idea. ^_^ It could be a great story. Just polish it here and there, and you'll be good.
Last edited by Angelicious on Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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lorraine
Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 532
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| Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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man could you like critique every time I post?? and anyway I just realized I was kinda wanting more of a comment on it or what you thought of it but if you would like to critique please go right ahead!!  |
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Knight
Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 70
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| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was great...just like Angel said tho, you gotta watch a couple things...add a little more detail to if possible...other than that it waz great!
-Knight  |
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lorraine
Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 532
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| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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thank you  |
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Bratterratt
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 7533
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| Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Great story, lorraine. Post more when you can!
Bratterratt |
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lorraine
Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 532
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| Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:23 am Post subject: |
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I will try but I probably won't be able to for a time
cause I don't have enough time to do it  |
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Osage eagle
Joined: 18 Apr 2009
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Hurry! I am so antious about what happens! |
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lorraine
Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 532
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| Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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| actually this might not get finished so don't get to dissapionted people if it doesn't. I am sorry |
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